Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Just when you thought things couldn't get more macabre, disturbing and gross, along comes Reiben Fischer. Here's the story of his rise and demise.

Reiben is the illegitimate child of chess legend Bobby Fischer and a vivacious girl with big breasts from his time at the Worldwide Church of God: Fischer proving, once and for all, that IQ (Bobby's score was 180) has nothing to do with intelligence, by joining a bunch of unhinged, cretinous, religious deviants in Pasadena because he thought he might get laid.

One of the most notably preposterous tenets pulpiteered by the Worldwide Church of God was the prediction that Christ would return in1975. When he didn't, a large proportion of the WCG congregation justifiably felt deceived and left; this exodus included Bobby Fischer, who went off and developed his paranoia, anti-Semite ramblings and general derangement. However, he did leave the frolicsome Madonna with the big boobies and the newly born Reiben in the care of unglued evangelists in Pasadena. Probably not the best start in life for an infant, especially considering that his deranged virtuoso father had fucked off to develop his bigotry and his mother was a twit. What made matters worse was that Reiben's mother thought that he, Reiben, was the second coming as he was born in 1975.

The bouncy, big-breasted God botherer set about moulding the young Reiben into her vision of our lord. Needless to say, this method of child rearing isn't the straightest road to the well-adjusted human being. In fact, living up to the absurd notions held by a boob about the nature of the messiah is really rather taxing for a young man. Even though his earlier childhood burgeoned with painful paradoxes, it was when he reached adolescence that his problems became too confusing for Reiben to keep to himself. Since there is nothing more divine about Reiben than anything else that exists, the pressures of behaving piously at all times were unbearable.

Especially difficult was his struggle with his sexual urges. After every masturbatory incident, Reiben wept and felt it necessary to repent, the self-flagellation becoming increasingly intense and severe each time. As we are all aware, pubescent boys do a massive amount of monkey spanking; consequently, Reiben's self-harm became epic, prodigious and practically medieval.

One fateful day in 1988, after acting out one of his favourite and particularly dirty fantasies, involving zebras, Reiben, in floods of tears, decided he'd had enough of his carnal weaknesses and cut his hands off. At first, this drastic measure had the desired effect, his self-abuse stopped, but only until the wounds healed, after which he found new and clever ways of pleasuring himself. Reiben's mother, the ample bosomed lady of jauntiness, could not reconcile herself with the notion of having a hand-less messiah for a son; "you can't heal people with the laying on of stumps", she reasoned with her inept brain and instantly became less vivacious.

Now, aged 15, Reiben was wrestling with the guilt of robbing his mother of one of her two redeeming features, or three, if you count each breast as a positive, independent of one another; two, if you see them as a bosom, rather than two individual fun-bags. Any which way, Reiben could not stand being such a disappointment to the only person who loved him: he was going to stop being an onanist whatever the sacrifice.

Having a very limited frame of reference of life's possibilities: being young and raised by religious fundamentalists, the only option open to young Reiben was to graft something abrasive onto his mutilated arms. He chose cheese graters, mostly because their ready availability, but also for aesthetic and practical reasons, or so he thought…

In his misguided quest to right his wrongs; which weren't wrongs in the first place, only the dirty meanderings of a young mind and hand in unison; he has, through going about his daily routine, removed all of his skin, inadvertently of course. On the upside he has stopped wanking, the rough with the smooth and all that.

Thank You.

Mia Tagg 2009®

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