Monday, May 4, 2009

Cosmic Ordering


Dear Cosmos,

I am writing in order to express my dissatisfaction with Your ‘Cosmic Ordering’ service.

On a recent visit to Berlin I was engaged in a discussion with an associate concerning Noel Edmonds, the television presenter, and his rejuvenated career. In expressing my bafflement over his reemergence, I recalled reading a feature on his career by the journalist, Rachel Cooke in the Observer in January 2006, where Mr Edmonds divulged that he indeed owed his renewed televisual triumph to ‘Cosmic Ordering’.

I made the more than reasonable assumption that if the Cosmos can smile on the fortune of an odious little troll such as Mr Edmonds, then surely I must be a great contender for cosmic success. However, since placing my 5 very basic ‘orders’, I have seen no improvement whatever in my status and the plethora of follow up enquiries I have made since first dispatching my edict have been stubbornly ignored. I am disgusted and appalled at Your substandard level of customer care, Your operation, I feel, is a shambles.

I have always felt that Your service has been somewhat lacking; favouring a few of Your many clients while shamelessly ignoring the majority, this has always struck me as profoundly unprofessional. I also believe that Your deficit vis-à-vis professionalism, is overshadowed somewhat by Your unethical stance with regards to the humanity as a whole, something which You Yourself have brought about.
This will be my last direct correspondence with You, unless I have heard from you, or had some indication that my list has been processed, I will have no option but to take legal action.

As I strongly suspect that your administration is seriously mismanaged and that clients’ details are frequently lost or destroyed, I will submit my inventory for the last time. I urge you to take heed, as I do not wish to take extreme measures but will be forced to do so, unless some action is taken on Your part to yield to my requests.

1. I wish for good health for me and everyone else.
2. I wish for a rewarding and lasting career in writing.
3. I wish for financial success in above career.
4. I wish for great relationships with friends, family and colleagues.
5. I also wish that You grant me these wishes within the next 6 months.

As you can plainly see, there is no ostentatious demands on my list, nor are there any glib wishes such as ‘Give Me a Successful Television Show’ or ‘Make That Really Hot One Love Me’, although feel free to throw those in too, as recompense me for making me wait unduly.

I suspect that Mr Edmonds may have traded his soul in exchange for his cosmic victories, whereas this is not for me, I do implore you to throw me a proverbial bone at your earliest opportunity.

I look forward to your prompt and propitious reply.

Yours sincerely,

Mia Tagg
South Hackney
London, England

Mia Tagg 2009®

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