Sunday, May 17, 2009

"TUBE ONE OFF"

Ok, here is the annoying downside of writing a column as topical as Tube One Off for a magazine that has only 5 issues annually: some of the genius I've witnessed whilst tubing off in the past 3 (yes, 3) months, is now common and old. Also, I have to confess that I waste a tremendous amount of time mesmerised by vacuous tripe like America's Next Top Model and by the tsunami of videos and blogs that has flooded the interweb as a result of Britney's meltdown. Basically, whether I'm watching Tyra Banks embodying everything that is evil and wrong (yet managing to be nauseatingly smug about it) or whether I'm watching Chris Crocker, less than eloquently, defending Britney's outrageous descent into a quagmire of substance abuse and mental illness, I have gone to the virtual freak-show. I appease my guilt (going to freak-shows is immoral, in case you didn't realise) by reasoning that at least Britney and Tyra aren't kept in cages like freaks in Victorian times, although that's probably where they belong. Search 'ANTM' and 'Chris Crocker – LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!'

Let's leave the dark side behind for a while and briefly focus on things Old Skool, go to 'Beatbox X factor france' to see a beatboxer to rival Rahzel, then visit 'Beatbox chef.' This makes me realise that all that time I spent alone in my room moping as a teenager was a monumental waste of time, I thought everyone just sat around navel gazing and reading Milan Kundera novels, turns out, some people put their adolescence to good use. Some examples of less stupid people: 'david belle' the founding father of "parkour" and the reason loads of stupid and un-fit people critically injure themselves; 'David Elsewhere - Kollaboration 2001,' if he carries on like that he's going to get arthritis, of that I am sure, popping your joints around like that can not be good. Another thing I didn't know, but have recently found out, is that the Koreans have taken B-Boy culture to heart. My favourite display of this absurd phenomenon is a dance-off staged at the controversial border between North and South Korea, not because it's the best dancing I've ever seen but because it is set in such a contentious place. Politically charged break dancing: my mind can't quite wrap itself around the concept, but give it a go anyway; 'Korean bboys at the border.'

Sadly, there is very little freely available footage from the first series of "Alan Partridge" but the entire second series is uploaded and, as in most cases, the best place to start is the beginning: 'I'm Alan Partridge S2E1 Pt.1.' It'll remind you why Steve Coogan deserves to be famous, personally, I'd forgotten. I was beginning to think of him solely as a small time actor who had a sex romp with Kurt Cobain's missus, when in actual fact he is a master of cringe comedy, hail Coogan!

Anyone remember "Karate Kid?" Well I do, and that's good enough for me. Not that it's of any relevance, but the actor that played the Karate Kid is called Ralph Macchio and he starred in several other movies, one of which was "Crossroads." The film itself is a real stinker, the clip I'm about to recommend though, is a corker: 'Crossroads Guitar Duel - Steve Vai battles Karate Kid.'

Here's one of the most tenuous links you will ever be subject to: Karate is a Japanese martial art, the next clip I'm suggesting you watch is set in Tokyo, which is in (yes, that's right) Japan. Pay special attention to the dentists' dummy, it is very creepy: 'Highlights from the International Robot Exhibition in Tokyo.' Regular readers of this column will have noticed my preoccupation with women behaving in very unladylike ways, completely losing all sense of perspective and all their composure. The following footage actually looks like a set-up, it doesn't matter though, because it is feasible and brilliantly executed. My favourite is the "friends" who keep filming while sniggering behind the bride's back, proper "mean girls." Search: 'bride has massive Hair Wig Out (ORIGINAL).'

Frankly, if you're that stressed about getting married, you probably shouldn't go through with it, my advice to her would be to get herself a gay boyfriend: 'Gay Boyfriend - Improved 1.0.'

I wasn't there, but I did heard from a variety of reliable sources that the fireworks at the Capital of Culture opening were pitiful, it may have served us sorry-ass wage slaves better if they'd saved money on expensive, yet uninspiring, pyrotechnics and plumped for a combination of diet coke and soft mints: 'diet coke + mentos.' Also, I heard there were people hanging from cranes, were they as good as these Italianos though? See 'Adriano Celentano & R.CarrĂ  "Prisencolinensinainciusol" 1974' for the kind of entertainment I want to see, what happened to it and why don't we all interact in this fashion? Let's face it, we'd be much fitter, happier and more productive.

Now for the educational part of Tube One Off, this is after all a public service and we have a duty to inform as well as entertain. Let's start off your journey to enlightenment with some of the most spine-chilling television I've ever seen: 'Happiness Machines (part 1 of 6)' this programme is also available to download for free from its own website (find it by googling "Century of the Self") so that you can keep it, watch it over and over again; this won't make you happy, possibly the opposite, but it will prevent you from being stupid. The next few clips are classics. I am referring to the Panorama from May last year, in which the church of scientology was under scrutiny. Panorama is very serious telly, even when it's being overtly sensationalist about something, this episode goes beyond serious, it is beautiful. It'll teach you this: don't mess with scientology; you will either end up a robot or a quivering wreck. Search: 'PANORAMA SCIENTOLOGY AND ME PART ONE OF FOUR.'

Right, only one of clip left to go: 'Pinky Show: How to Solve Illegal Immigration.' Pinky is a black and white animated cat who tackles some the world's most complex issues with style, intelligence and panache.

I will leave you with some cartoon violence: 'Happy Tree Friends'. All of the clips are really sick but my favourite is 'Eye Candy'.

That's it for now, have fun.

Mia Tagg 2009®

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