Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Rapine Laggard

25 years ago Weasely Laggard found a cardboard box, that had previously contained turkey twizzlers, on his front door step with "it might be yours", written on it in green wax crayon. Weasely made the assumption that an anonymous benefactor had supplied him with a cardboard box, and decided to hold on to it. The presence of the infant within it did not bother him, as Weasely is a firm believer in not looking gift-horses in the mouth. Rapine consequently stayed in the turkey twizzler box, living on dust rats, fag ends and the dregs from beer cans on the floor, until Weasely one day realised that the babys presence might entitle him to child benefit. En route to the job centre it occurred to him that he would need to name his child in order to make the claim plausible. He decided to name the child after his foster parents, Raphael and Josephine, opting for Rapine over Joselle for aesthetic reasons, fathomed only by Weasely himself. Weasely and Rapine have made the bi-weekly outing to sign on together ever since, this is the only occasion for which Rapine will leave her festering nest.

Weasely is a pitiful, ignorant, bigoted fool of a man, but in his own misguided way he cares, about the wrong things for the wrong reasons, because he is an idiot, but none the less, he cares, whatever... This is, sadly, his only redeeming feature as a human being, but tragically one that he has been unable to pass on to Rapine. In fact, not caring, is the only thing Rapine does with any degree of conviction. The only other thing she ever concerns herself with, is her hair and her clothes, and that is only on the days she bothers to get dressed at all. This is why Rapine can periodically be seen flicking fluff off her fashionable jumper whilst simultaneously smoking a Mayfair, necking Blue Nun straight out of the bottle and sporting a prevalent 8 month belly bump down the dole.

It is a curious contradiction, is it not, that evolution has equipped almost all of us humans with the capacity for analytical thought, empathy and sense of humour, when nature requires none of the above qualities for the procreation of our species. Frankly, in my experience, these qualities provide more of an obstacle than a boon. Nature has also endowed the female of the species with a certain selective prejudice regarding procreation, however, many factors exist to facilitate fertilisation, not having to get out of bed in order to get pregnant being one of these factors, one which is beautifully stated in Rapines almost perpetual condition.

Rapine isnt lazy exactly, she just doesnt care, at all, and it is through this very lack of care that she has fallen pregnant for the 12th time. She regards her periods of gestation like others regard a bad haircut: an unfortunate state of affairs that has to be endured until the hair grows long enough to be put in a ponytail. In the interim one just has to wear a hat, unfortunate, but necessary. In truth, most people probably care more about their coiffure than Rapine cares about her children. Consequently, Rapine can quite happily consume 40 Lambert & Butlers rinsed down with 24 vodka and Red Bulls from the doubles bar in her local pub without paying the welfare of anyone, present or future, any mind.

Rapines offspring to date have succeeded only in collecting an impressive series of ASBOs, fasttracking their inevitable incarceration. So come on everybody, lets care!

Mia Tagg 2009®

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